I am asked frequently about the rules surrounding bathroom etiquette during a triathlon. It’s an important question to consider both from a performance standpoint a moral standpoint and of course cool factor. It’s hard to know what to do in various situations so here is a list of rules by which you can govern your bathroom etiquette.
The Rules on Urination
- You are allowed to pee yourself if you are going for the win
- You are allowed to pee yourself if you are going for a best time
- You are allowed to pee yourself if you are on the bike
- You are allowed to pee yourself if you are in your wetsuit and the race is about to start
- You are allowed to pee yourself at any time if you are in your wetsuit
- You are allowed to pee yourself at anytime if you are in someone else’s wetsuit
- You are not allowed to pee yourself if you are talking to perspective future love interests post race (unless you have put your wetsuit back on)
- You are not allowed to pee yourself at any time ever during training if you are biking or running but again feel free to pee in your wetsuit anytime
- Feel free to pee yourself any other time during the day to warm up if the weather is cold but understand that it’s only warm temporarily then it feels even colder so it’s not a great strategy for long term warmth
The Rules on Deuce
- You are allowed to shit yourself if AND ONLY IF you are going for the win- and it has to be for the overall win where either money or person of the universe is on the line
- You are only allowed to shit yourself when not going for the win if there is an exorbitant amount of money on the line for the other places- the kind of money that would allow you to buy a solid gold toilet
- You are not allowed to shit yourself if you are going for a best time
- You are allowed to shit yourself if all the porta-potties are full and the gun is literally about to go off- the wetsuit will contain the issue- just remember to take the wetsuit off about 50m from shore and rinse in the lake prior to exiting- nobody must ever know that you did this
- You are not allowed to shit yourself if you are mid race and waiting for a porta-potty to become available- just wait
- You are not allowed to shit yourself on the bike even if you think you may have a shot at the win
- You are not allowed to shit yourself on the run- go into the woods- bears do it all the time (unless going for the win then shit away)
- You are not allowed to shit yourself if you are talking to perspective future love interests post race (even if you have put your wetsuit back on)
- Under no circumstances must you ever shit on someone’s front lawn. No matter how important your race is this is simply unacceptable
